Why Didn't You Leave?
Domestic violence is a very severe topic but I firmly believe that it's something that needs to be addressed and acknowledged. If everyone shares their story maybe the numbers will go down.
Before I moved to Texas I was in an abusive relationship. When I showed up on my brother's doorstep I was working on escaping. The first step was physically leaving him. The next step was cutting all contact. I eventually had to change my number and spam his email. I couldn't contact anyone I had known for fear of him getting in touch again. He finally quit calling my family after I threatened a restraining order. Even with all the steps I took the nightmares kept coming.
It's a gradual process really and not every abusive relationship turns physical. This one just happened to go that far and beyond. He didn't want me working but it was my fault we didn't have enough money. Money was a huge issue when he drank his pay away. He'd come home so drunk on those nights and sometimes high as a kite or with a bag of cocaine in his pocket. He was so angry which meant I was getting screamed at and kicked out of his apartment he had asked me to move into with him. I was a complete drunk and deep down I believed I deserved it. He fueled the doubts I had about myself and I let him control my life. I was cut off from my friends and the beautiful city I loved. I became yet another statistic and stereotype. They could write a Lifetime movie about what I went through but we've already seen that movie a hundred times.
Even after the first beating I still believed it to be my fault. If I had put an end to the fight, if I had walked away, if I wouldn't have gotten mad at him for the hateful things he said, if I hadn't shoved him back, if I hadn't hit him, the ifs just keep on going but it doesn't change the fact that he used my face as a way to get the frustration out. It doesn't take back the lies I told about how I got the black eye and swollen face. I left after he dragged me into the spare bedroom by my hair and proceeded to kick me and punch me until I completely believed he was going to kill me. I stayed with a friend for the night but had to come back for my things, I didn't have much but it was all I had. I knew I wouldn't be there long and started stashing money. I was there too long. He must have known I would leave and decided getting me pregnant was his best chance of keeping me.
After yet another drunken tantrum he kicked me out and I spent the money I had stashed away on getting a friend to try me to Texas. I lost the baby shortly after the trip and self medicated with booze for another two months. The nightmares finally went away when I got sober again but it was a struggle. I still have worries sometimes but everyday is better. I am better! And to answer the question, I didn't leave because I believed I wasn't good enough.
IF YOU NEED HELP,
DIAL THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE AT:
1-800-799-SAFE
Before I moved to Texas I was in an abusive relationship. When I showed up on my brother's doorstep I was working on escaping. The first step was physically leaving him. The next step was cutting all contact. I eventually had to change my number and spam his email. I couldn't contact anyone I had known for fear of him getting in touch again. He finally quit calling my family after I threatened a restraining order. Even with all the steps I took the nightmares kept coming.
It's a gradual process really and not every abusive relationship turns physical. This one just happened to go that far and beyond. He didn't want me working but it was my fault we didn't have enough money. Money was a huge issue when he drank his pay away. He'd come home so drunk on those nights and sometimes high as a kite or with a bag of cocaine in his pocket. He was so angry which meant I was getting screamed at and kicked out of his apartment he had asked me to move into with him. I was a complete drunk and deep down I believed I deserved it. He fueled the doubts I had about myself and I let him control my life. I was cut off from my friends and the beautiful city I loved. I became yet another statistic and stereotype. They could write a Lifetime movie about what I went through but we've already seen that movie a hundred times.
Even after the first beating I still believed it to be my fault. If I had put an end to the fight, if I had walked away, if I wouldn't have gotten mad at him for the hateful things he said, if I hadn't shoved him back, if I hadn't hit him, the ifs just keep on going but it doesn't change the fact that he used my face as a way to get the frustration out. It doesn't take back the lies I told about how I got the black eye and swollen face. I left after he dragged me into the spare bedroom by my hair and proceeded to kick me and punch me until I completely believed he was going to kill me. I stayed with a friend for the night but had to come back for my things, I didn't have much but it was all I had. I knew I wouldn't be there long and started stashing money. I was there too long. He must have known I would leave and decided getting me pregnant was his best chance of keeping me.
After yet another drunken tantrum he kicked me out and I spent the money I had stashed away on getting a friend to try me to Texas. I lost the baby shortly after the trip and self medicated with booze for another two months. The nightmares finally went away when I got sober again but it was a struggle. I still have worries sometimes but everyday is better. I am better! And to answer the question, I didn't leave because I believed I wasn't good enough.
IF YOU NEED HELP,
DIAL THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE AT:
1-800-799-SAFE
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